Check Up

Warning: This maybe way too much for you to take, read, or care about. TMI. Better if you skip this and read my other posts!



I hope my warning did not make you more curious! Anyway...

Today was the second day of my classes at PSID. I will blog about the first day shortly. I just thought that I would spill some check up details first because I am caught unaware of what is happening.

Excuse me if I keep on referring to my leaving in Med every so often. As much as it may not seem like a big deal (after telling more people that I actually left and being greeted with a passive response), it really is a big deal for me. It maybe even one of the biggest things in my life. Consciously and unconsciously.

In my short stay in Med, I found myself crying almost everyday. I knew that continuing to study the sciences will not bring me happiness anymore. Yesterday, a few hours before the start of the 2nd term in PSID, I decided to enroll. My heart was ready to burst but I kept it inside until I went home.

I removed my shoes and dived into my bed. With tissue and handkerchief in my hands, I started bawling. I cried hard and tried my best not to be heard. I was so emotional that I cried myself to sleep in the middle of the afternoon. Was it knowing the 1 year turned 2 year engagement? Was it the feeling of going to a "related"  path than taking the "actual" path? Was it the crowd? Was it the thought that I should earn already? Was it because I was not ready yet? Was it because I'd rather think and think some more than actually try? Was it the chemicals in my brain? Was the past brought up? Was it because of everything?

I cannot pinpoint, really.

Today, even after my favorite class (voice), I found myself crying again. Voice was okay. I performed better than the previous weeks though my larynx still pisses me off. It still has a life of its own. FML (Fudge my larynx-- HAHA.) Mech. Draw was okay as well. My OC self was challenged by the activity but it was okay. I was okay. This was the weird part. I was happy in voice and I was okay in Mech Draw but when I came home, when I was alone in my thoughts, tears started pouring.

Honestly, I don't know what is wrong with me anymore.