Where are the clowns?

The spirit of my Send In The Clowns interpretation is running through my veins and taking a layover in my heart. I know I told myself that I should move on from this feeling, from this thinking. But once in a while, especially when we have to perform something that would remind us of it, we all get off track.

My chest felt heavy during the last part and after my turn in rehearsal. It's the kind of heaviness you feel when you are about to cry. I came in 2 seconds late because I prepared my phone for recording my performance. I was asked to hurry up because it was almost 3 and we hadn't started with the dance yet. I thought my move was unprofessional so I immediately sprang up from my seat and asked the accompanist to start right away. I breathed deeply, tried to remember the context of my song in those 8 seconds of intro, and just let myself go.

So, yes, I got off key in the part where I always get off key... and it's quite irritating that I still don't get it even though I practice it a lot but let's not fall attention to that. The song was emotionally exhausting. That performance was the most exhausting performance I did in my entire life. I felt like I bared my soul. More than the off key, more than the questioning if it's worth it to break my walls down to mostly kids who have yet to live more life to understand me, more than anything, I felt that same pain 10 months ago. The fear. The hurt. It was like I transported myself back to that time. The time that I really want to forget and move on from. To add to the misery, here I am 10 months after. Still not knowing how my life would turn out to be. Still filled with questions, confusions, a few "what ifs" here and there, and just being irritated that I still haven't found what I have been looking for.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late.

Where are the clowns?
It's almost next year.
Send in the clowns.