Oh geez

I just got back from my voice lessons and boy was it a disaster! Well, sort of. I am having post-lesson pain at the moment. This shouldn't be the case, I know. But my throat wasn't painful at all when I was singing a while ago. Weird life.

Anyway, we finally chose the recital piece! Send in the Clowns won over Memory. I really like the former better since it's easier to memorize and my voice kind of glides on it. Memory makes me want to strangle myself. Haha! However, before choosing and singing the two songs, we touched the ensemble pieces. My part in Firework is too low if I sing it for a long time... and I will sing the entire song. It kind of hurts my throat so my teacher said that I should use a different technique for it. I'll try practicing it later or within the week if I remember it! I have to practice my ears as well. I have to make sure they don't go crazy! She said "okay lang yan" a few times a while ago. That translates to "you can still improve" or for harsher words "mali ginawa mo". I totally appreciate the different moniker though.

I kept on clearing my throat a while ago. Was it the stress? Panic? I don't know but it was really annoying! I had to keep on drinking water (which didn't really help a lot) to try to keep the phlegm away. Acid reflux problems. Boo.

My voice placement kept on changing too! So weird when my vocal cords do their own thing and scatter all over the place. My voice was airy at some parts. Gaaah!

So much to improve on! Not a good day for voice, I guess.

I wanted to go home early because I was really tired from my loads these days. I had a run last night and I had been working on out project continuously for 2 days! My body was really tired so I opted to stay back home after the parade and mass in my brother's family day. I did some errands and immediately slept when I got home.

This was what I woke up to! My dad is so sweet! :) I have a feeling that he double checked everything before really leaving. Complete from soup to dessert! Wee! :)

Light at the end of the tunnel

I told my mom a while ago that it felt like the one day of no class was a long while. This was probably because of my cancelled music lesson and Antipolo trip. I sort of prepared myself last weekend of the happenings this week and since those two changed, I suddenly had nothing much to do.

Well, no. I had been thinking...

Within that one and a half day of deviating from my usual week, I was able to think about how my life is and where I want to go. There's only two things I do constantly: excessively think about what's next or stray far away from the thought of what's next. This time, though with little apprehensions, it became a little clear.

I realized that I knew what I wanted all along. It's just that I was holding myself back because I wanted to please everybody. I want people to be proud of me in a field that gains so much stature and respect. I wanted to make sense and I thought that that was the only sensible way to go. Then, I left everything that I used to believe in but I still kept the expectations with me. With "nothing" and high expectations, I was really bound to lose myself.

I left my box but it felt like I was still in it. Do you remember the pool gutters when you did not know how to swim yet? Those tiles were our best friends, our safety nets. Those tiles anchor us back to the box. It helps us to think that we will not drown as long as one of our hands is holding the gutter. It's okay to be safe. But if you have already done the first risky step, why do you have to move backwards again?

I think that's what happened to me. I jumped in but I was scared to drown. I left Medicine but at the back of my mind, I was thinking that everyone around me is expecting me to either go back to Med or find something at par. What I want may not be at par to them but it's beyond for me.

More than making others believe, I have to make myself believe that I must move on and let go of the gutter. I cannot stand on my own if I always lean onto somebody else. I cannot move forward if I haven't fully accepted the past. I cannot move forward if I always look back.

This is my life now and I just have to shrug off every "disappointed" or "I will be better than you" feeling that I receive from other people. What they say shouldn't really matter. And I must believe that.

I am now opening my doors to fully loving ID (though mostly just for production/set design basics), music (I am getting the techniques but I have to improve my consistency), directing (I've met a director who actually taught me a bit of the goings-on-- excited to try my own stuff), business (I have a few ideas though they would really need big capital), preschool teaching (or any level that would not tie me up with a hectic sched but would still make me check papers), writing (to start flowing), etc.

I know it's a lot. But I just have to own every thought and believe that I can. Because I know I do.

Still, barely moving
Racing thought after thought
What ifs, what could have beens, what shoulds

Still, barely moving
Moving backwards but moving
Racing thought after thought
Which race, which battle

Still, barely moving
Caught between everything
Caught within oneself
Hesitations, doubts, fears

Still, barely moving
Can't forget, can't escape
Don't know where to stand
Merely floating

Of knowns and everyone yet
Unknown with no one
With places to go yet
Still, barely moving

Of getting it and keeping it there...

In (sort of) continuation of my previous post, I think I already get this dome placement thing (que formal, no?) that my teacher has been telling me all this time. It's different now because I don't do what I have always been doing... which is quite wrong, I guess. I have less to no strain now and it's surprising how uplifting and freeing those high notes are! I usually want to just sulk in the corner far away from the piano whenever I see a note higher than A. Haha!

I guess part of this epiphany (lol) is the determination I got from last week's lesson. I was not in my best and I did not give my all because I got bombarded on what I must be doing. Everything went crazy in my head and we had to go back to placement. Though it's very helpful, it's still a little frustrating! I must know where to resonate by now. Part of the epiphany too was what my speech pathologist said. She said that my improvement now depends wholly on myself and my determination to improve. My teacher and doctor will not be forever there and I will have to eventually be on my own (a lesson learned in an unexpected way). It was really inspiring!

I made it a point that I would go to the lesson today in full confidence and presence. With an open mind and with an understanding heart. I vocalized and practiced breathing prior and I guess they really helped!

I am now more conscious of the goings-on in my throat and respiratory cavities. I do hope that I completely master them soon! I now know the feeling and, like in biking, I had a hint that I would eventually get it properly soon. Now is the time for retention! Practice! Practice! Practice! :)

Of learning...

As a kid, I have always loved learning. It always fascinates me when I get to know something new or add something to what I already know. I don't think it's being nerdy. It's just a fact of life that we always learn.

Last Sunday, we had a "very family Sunday". I said that because we don't usually bond on Sundays. On a typical Sunday, we just rest in our own rooms. Last Sunday, however, we were practically together the whole day.

We went to Tagaytay and Batangas. We ate breakfast at Cafe Breton. We went to the Taal Yacht Club. We stayed at Balai Isabel. The day was pretty long and fun!

I learned how to sail that morning with the help of Kuya Elmer, who was very nice. He told me about the wind direction, the tacking and jiving, the radder and the rope, and other things. He was a little quiet but it was fine. The wind was very gentle when we started which helped me learn without panicking! After a few hours, the wind started to get a little strong, but not so much to cause me to worry. It was fun! I learned a lot! I thought I'd get soaked like the last time, but I didn't. It was pretty easy, actually, compared to windsurfing.

That afternoon, I learned how to ride a bike as well. There was a bike rental at the resort we stayed in. The guy from the rental, my dad, and my mom cheered me on and helped me learn. It was pretty hard learning with lots of eyes on me but I just shrugged it off. After learning to balance without moving (which might have not helped at all), I tried riding on the ramp. It was easier! I had initial problems with the pedal because I fail to pedal with the second foot. But then I learned it. However, I had problems with my 3rd pedal. I eventually learned it all in about 2 hours or less. I just put into mind what they have told me and I sang a song in my head. No joke! The song helped. I sang "You There In The Back Row". Not your typical powersong but it has this line that says, "keep on going, spotlights, music playing". It really helped me. I also learned to be one with the bike. I learned where ny weight goes and where I should move the handles. After getting it, I still rode it for.a while to make sure that I have the muscle memory. It was a momentous event. In the words of my mom, ang ganung bagay daw dapat ipa-pansit!

Happy kid!

Unexpected leaving

I started my therapy late last year upon the recommendation of my doctor. I really did not know what to expect again since I have already gone to that road six years ago.

This time around, we let go of the breathing exercises. We focused more on the production of voice. I must say that I really have learned a lot. I do try to practice what we do in the sessions in everyday life.

This morning, we did some drills as usual and we also did something new. It's question and answer. No more reading. No preparation. Just spontaneity while trying to think about all the techniques. Some of the questions were weird and some were okay. I babbled a few times since I did really know how to expound my answers. But I guess it's okay. I really am more of a writer than a speaker.

Anyway, after the q and a, my doctor told me that she was already willing to let me go. Straight to the point. No clues. No hints. I was surprised. I was not sure of what to feel at that moment.

She said that I am able to apply what we have been learning if I just focus more. She said that for the next days, my improvement will all be up to myself.

It feels great that I know what to do already but I really didn't want the sessions to end just yet! We're meeting on the 28th of Feb for "maintenance". But still.

I do hope that I remember it all! I read the Timekeeper out loud a while ago. I plan on doing that method until I finish the book. Funny (and cool) that the technique stays with me after a while. I got a little sleepy though so I rested.

Though I will apply the techniques in conversation, I will still make it a point that I read out loud at the end of the day.

Such bittersweet!

Teaching Doesn't Mean It's Over

I love Bunheads. I was attracted to it at first because Sutton Foster was there. I mean, it's Sutton Foster. Come on! Anyway, I love the humor and sarcasm of the show. It's a pretty light story but delighting nonetheless. Have I stated that it focuses on ballet? Yup. Plus points.

Though it really makes me laugh most of the time, it still has serious points (like the one in the picture). It is one of my favorite lines from the show and from... life. I used to think, too, before that teaching means the end. I mean, you learn because you want to do, not really not teach it again. Well, at least for me. But through the months, I realized that it's not so bad after all, or at all rather. It's the noblest profession because you mold the younger ones. You put them before yourself. Service at its best.

And hey, teaching doesn't mean it's over. There will always be time for you and your craft. :)

MuseScore

I was supposed to get the piano then play and record manually the voices of this piece. However, I searched for a software that could make my life a little easier. Lo and behold MuseScore! It's so fascinating and quite hard to play around. Maybe I do not know much about music yet.

Oh well. Non-sight reader problems. Hoohumm