Light at the end of the tunnel

I told my mom a while ago that it felt like the one day of no class was a long while. This was probably because of my cancelled music lesson and Antipolo trip. I sort of prepared myself last weekend of the happenings this week and since those two changed, I suddenly had nothing much to do.

Well, no. I had been thinking...

Within that one and a half day of deviating from my usual week, I was able to think about how my life is and where I want to go. There's only two things I do constantly: excessively think about what's next or stray far away from the thought of what's next. This time, though with little apprehensions, it became a little clear.

I realized that I knew what I wanted all along. It's just that I was holding myself back because I wanted to please everybody. I want people to be proud of me in a field that gains so much stature and respect. I wanted to make sense and I thought that that was the only sensible way to go. Then, I left everything that I used to believe in but I still kept the expectations with me. With "nothing" and high expectations, I was really bound to lose myself.

I left my box but it felt like I was still in it. Do you remember the pool gutters when you did not know how to swim yet? Those tiles were our best friends, our safety nets. Those tiles anchor us back to the box. It helps us to think that we will not drown as long as one of our hands is holding the gutter. It's okay to be safe. But if you have already done the first risky step, why do you have to move backwards again?

I think that's what happened to me. I jumped in but I was scared to drown. I left Medicine but at the back of my mind, I was thinking that everyone around me is expecting me to either go back to Med or find something at par. What I want may not be at par to them but it's beyond for me.

More than making others believe, I have to make myself believe that I must move on and let go of the gutter. I cannot stand on my own if I always lean onto somebody else. I cannot move forward if I haven't fully accepted the past. I cannot move forward if I always look back.

This is my life now and I just have to shrug off every "disappointed" or "I will be better than you" feeling that I receive from other people. What they say shouldn't really matter. And I must believe that.

I am now opening my doors to fully loving ID (though mostly just for production/set design basics), music (I am getting the techniques but I have to improve my consistency), directing (I've met a director who actually taught me a bit of the goings-on-- excited to try my own stuff), business (I have a few ideas though they would really need big capital), preschool teaching (or any level that would not tie me up with a hectic sched but would still make me check papers), writing (to start flowing), etc.

I know it's a lot. But I just have to own every thought and believe that I can. Because I know I do.