I am.

A friend just texted me. She is drowning in a sea of medical information and is feeling a little saturated and stressed. She said she misses performing. She misses the kind of high you get when you get nervous. I know that feeling. As much as I hate it, I love that feeling too.

I told her that whatever she is doing now will pave a way for her do whatever she wants in the future. Hardship now may payoff soon.

In my case, I didn't want the hardship of medical school anymore. I thought that if life would be hard, let it be the kind of hard that I would want to bear every single day of my life. I may not have a concrete idea of what that is yet, but at least I'm somewhere else. Who has a complete picture of what they will be exactly anyway?

Her question made me realize something. I remember telling the Dean of Medicine that in the year or two of my supposed absence in medical school, I will try to find something else to do that can make me still perform. Or at least something like performing. I guess I got super saturated and closed in college that I never did anything else besides studying. Sure I had music lessons but it was different. My life was all about school. My life was all about getting a high grade. I guess part of why I left medical school is that I wanted to live. I wanted to experience life outside of the books. I do think about how my life would have been like had I stayed... especially during my quarter life crisis attacks. And I guess that is what has been stuck in my head right now.

I am too consumed about the future and how others are moving forward that I didn't know how to be happy anymore. I said I would find something that would allow me to perform. I did and my music lessons now are more than inspiring and fulfilling. I was able to dance last year. I just finished my rough draft of a stage design this afternoon. I am joining an art workshop tomorrow. I didn't know I was happy all along.

I guess people are too engrossed in the idea of future happiness that they forget about what the have now. Sure this feeling may end soon but for now, this is what I have. This is what we all have. If this is my time to be happy, let me be. If I am bound to be worried in the future, why take away this moment of happiness now? I will get by.

P.S.: I still lose against myself when I watch shows about how many Filipinos have poor health and how the country has poor health facilities. Those moments when I wish I was of better service. Those moments when I lose it and forget that there are other ways to help. They may not be like how doctors help, but they are still a kind of help. Oh well.