I just came back from watching a documentary about checking with old batchmates who chose to work abroad despite their privileged life in the country. I watched it with the same people who helped me through living out of med school. What's the connection, you ask?
They made me realize again the things that I have been pushing aside for so long. They made me realize how I need to start living. They made me realize that I should think 5 or 10 years forward. Honestly, more than anything, at that very moment when they asked me how I see myself in the near future, I only imagined finishing my MM2 exam this Tuesday. I dread it so much that it takes so much space in my brain.
That's my problem. The problems that I should face know should not be exams or grades. I feel like I am still stuck in the past in some way. The documentary showed where the director's high school batchmates now are... and how much life they have lived ever since they left the hallowed halls of St. Scho. Ever since I left St. Scho, I don't really know how much life I have lived... and how much more. It's not about the days but the things that fulfill me, the things that make me happy. It's sad but there are times when I don't know how to be happy anymore. When the little things don't weigh as much.
My parents dropped me off the theater where the documentary was shown. My friends were at a restaurant across it. The road from the theater to the restaurant was pretty wide and slippery, and heck, drivers are never to be trusted. Our car even got scratched a few minutes before I was dropped off! Trivial or whatever it seems, a tiny part of me felt afraid. A 22-year old was afraid to cross the street. I got annoyed with myself so I just went out without any second thoughts and crossed the street. It wasn't so bad but I learned one thing about myself. "If you're so wise, why are you still so afraid?" My mind believes that I am for something great but I am afraid to venture out. As one saying says, people learn to love their chains. I am not chained but more of overprotected. It's like riding the bike, resting your entire weight on the side with the training wheel. Embarrassing as it is, I am stuck and afraid to go.
People say I have potential to do things and I have talents... but I don't know exactly what to do with them. I don't know how to measure happiness. I don't know how to measure success. I have a lot of inner monologues and I am conscious about every single detail.
I know life is harder for someone else... but it is for me too.
No comments:
Post a Comment