Update Part 2!

Surprise, surprise! I still haven't found a better platform for the diary entries so I'll put today's here again. :)

I was late in my first class this morning. We left the house at 8 and arrived at school at around 9:10. The traffic around school was crazy plus the U-turn slot was closed! We had to take another U-turn at a farther place. I saw my friend standing outside the school when I came. She forgot her ID so she wasn't allowed in. Anyway, it was my second late for the same class. One more late and it will be counted as an absence! Oops. To add to the misery, we had our scheduled quiz that morning too. When I came, some of my classmates were already in the second page of the exam. I hurried answering because I know that the teacher would not give me extra time. I was able to finish the exam though... and even earlier than the others. :)

We ate lunch at the school canteen again. I ate Pininyahan. It's starting to be favorite school food! I have never tasted that dish outside school and it's pretty good compared to the other viands they serve. The canteen had limited seats and I am only too happy that we were able to get a table! After eating, we headed to the room and waited for the next class.

Our teacher came in a bit late then he started with his demo. We always have to come together to see the demo. I don't know if it's a good thing but my friend and I were directly in front of our teacher when he did the demo. We were able to see the demo clearly but my legs and body were crying! My friend and I shared one seat... and I guess the reason why one seat is only for one person is because it cannot fit two! My legs were fatigued but I kept looking like nothing's wrong. Haha! After around an hour, the demo was done and we were left to do our own plate. Notice the word "left". We've been told that the plate might take us until 5 pm... Some of us really took that long but our teacher wasn't there anymore when we passed the plates. We only gave it to the office. I found that sad. I still feel bad that we cannot redo plates and have homework like the other batches. Unfair? I digress.

My head started aching halfway through the demo. I was in a pretty bad mood when I left school. When I was fetched I reminded my mom again about the ITR requirement for the visa. I don't really know why I am still hoping for that. Can I really leave in less than 2 weeks? Ugh. Maybe it wasn't a good thing to say at the start of the ride. I just kept quiet and refused to eat the whole ride. I wasn't being a brat. I was having a bad day plus the chances of my dreams being fulfilled are being erased slowly.

I just studied for my exam tomorrow when I came back. I napped once in a while and viewed social media maybe more than I should. I just finished practicing for Friday before typing this entry. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Update, update

It's almost 2 in the morning but I promised that I will make time for this now... along with other things. I tend to forget the happenings and Twitter and IG do not really remind me completely. My "year in drawing" hasn't been updated since first week of June and I have forgotten a lot between that time and today. Since I haven't really chosen which blog I prefer to post this "daily diary" in, I'll first put it here.

Today marks the first day of my "cold turkey" mission. Caffeine-free and anti-heartburn diet from now until maybe a month or more. I am back to water and only water. Even though I don't feel any burning now, I feel the acid going up in the morning often. Ever since we have left for the States, I have eaten everything and drank everything that I wanted. Time to love myself now. I don't want for it to reach the point where my already hoarse voice suffers. So far, besides the temptation from IG, I've done good today.

Anyway, my class was in the afternoon so my mom and I were able to chill around McKinley for a while. We ate at a lasagna place and we both weren't very pleased with the food. After the quick meal, I headed to school and sat where the wind from the aircon was blowing. It was freezing! No other seats beside my friends anymore so I let it be. The material was challenging but still easy... at least for me. Having said that though, I wasn't able to connect my platform and steps. I got my mistake and I will just correct it when I do my homework.

I didn't know that after school we would head to UST to fetch little bro. Mama left me in the car and I must have napped. When they arrived from the school gate, I learned that my brother was accused of something I believe he wouldn't do. Mama was infuriated and so was I. We were thinking he was set up and bullied. Those classmates of him have superiority complex and act very lowly. If it was indeed an accident, I still think a bit the same. They are too young to be that way and live that way.

When we got home, I started reviewing and napping (must have been at the same time even). I just fixed my bag and money box. I am ready to bed and I can't wait for Tuesday to be over already. What an insight, huh? The day hasn't started and I want it to end already. Oh well. It seems that Tuesday has now become my most hated day of the week. Tuesday used to be my favorite day. Oh well.

Day After Day

I just came back from watching a documentary about checking with old batchmates who chose to work abroad despite their privileged life in the country. I watched it with the same people who helped me through living out of med school. What's the connection, you ask?

They made me realize again the things that I have been pushing aside for so long. They made me realize how I need to start living. They made me realize that I should think 5 or 10 years forward. Honestly, more than anything, at that very moment when they asked me how I see myself in the near future, I only imagined finishing my MM2 exam this Tuesday. I dread it so much that it takes so much space in my brain.

That's my problem. The problems that I should face know should not be exams or grades. I feel like I am still stuck in the past in some way. The documentary showed where the director's high school batchmates now are... and how much life they have lived ever since they left the hallowed halls of St. Scho. Ever since I left St. Scho, I don't really know how much life I have lived... and how much more. It's not about the days but the things that fulfill me, the things that make me happy. It's sad but there are times when I don't know how to be happy anymore. When the little things don't weigh as much.

My parents dropped me off the theater where the documentary was shown. My friends were at a restaurant across it. The road from the theater to the restaurant was pretty wide and slippery, and heck, drivers are never to be trusted. Our car even got scratched a few minutes before I was dropped off! Trivial or whatever it seems, a tiny part of me felt afraid. A 22-year old was afraid to cross the street. I got annoyed with myself so I just went out without any second thoughts and crossed the street. It wasn't so bad but I learned one thing about myself. "If you're so wise, why are you still so afraid?" My mind believes that I am for something great but I am afraid to venture out. As one saying says, people learn to love their chains. I am not chained but more of overprotected. It's like riding the bike, resting your entire weight on the side with the training wheel. Embarrassing as it is, I am stuck and afraid to go.

People say I have potential to do things and I have talents... but I don't know exactly what to do with them. I don't know how to measure happiness. I don't know how to measure success. I have a lot of inner monologues and I am conscious about every single detail.

I know life is harder for someone else... but it is for me too.

It depends on how you see it.

Last week, I thought I was going to die while singing because my breath support was very poor and the song phrases were very long and demanding (or at least for me). I thought that I would have a cardiac arrest because my chest started feeling heavy and my head feeling oozy. It was terrible but I was able to survive.

Upon leaving the room, I asked my teacher if there are ways to improve breath support and if breath support can even be improved. It sort of dawned on me that we have been breathing ever since the doctors slapped our butts and I don't know how we can improve more doing the things we do everyday. I don't really remember what she said, but I suggested swimming (answering my own question, eh?!). My teacher then added that anything can be improved. I smiled but still felt heavy and oozy due to my air... then she added something more. She told me that every time she somehow felt desperate about her student not taking in what she says or when her students get hardheaded or when she just loses a bit hope, she remembers me. She remembers how I started and where I am now, 4 years after. I am not great yet but I have improved. She told me that my range before was around 6 notes only. I can now reach 3 octaves (2 octaves comfortably). When she remembers how much I have learned and how much I have improved (though slowly), she regains patience and hope that one day, maybe, her other students will improve as well.

I don't know if that's a little bit insulting, but I found it sweet. Gaaah! <3

Is that what I think it is?

My friends and I wanted to see what's in the topmost floor of our building this afternoon so we rode the elevator up to the 3rd floor. I thought I would see a bare floor with hollow blocks and planks of wood scattered around, but no. It looked like a hall with an auditorium! Though I am not a big fan of the materials used in the receiving hall (with matching tarpaulin of the school as background for photobooths) as they looked a bit faux, I was amazed that the top floor was of some use! The auditorium stage (or so I thought) was covered by 2 or 3 whiteboard stands with plates of students. The main area looked like a simple exhibit was held there or will be held there. It was a mess, really, maybe that's why it's sort of closed?

Anyway, as we were about to leave, I spot a yellow bedroom plate on one of the whiteboard stands. The carpet looked very familiar and I am 80% sure that that was my plate! I got so giddy but I didn't go nearer to confirm because it felt a bit eerie up there. I am still happy though that my plate might have been there! :))