It's almost June.

It will almost be a year since I made the biggest decision of my life. As much as I thought leaving would be a burden off my chest, floating uncertain is also a burden. I have had days when I feel infinite. When I feel like I can do anything and be anyone I dare dream. More often than not, however, I am swallowed by insecurities, disappointments, and questions. Honestly, here I am, almost a year after... and I still don't know where.

After some time, I realized how often I am wronged by my impressions of things. How I did not like some things, but ended up wanting them later. How I am hardheaded about some things. How I refuse to learn and move forward. How I stall. How I am stuck. How I am unwilling to accept. How I value my feelings over what I think. How I cannot say. How I am afraid. How I do not know enough.

I made a long list of new paths early last year and, to be honest, I think it's my cold feet-like stupidity that made me choose the one I did not have my heart into. I know what you're thinking; I've thought about that too. There I was given the opportunity to make it right and do what I want (given that it's not theatre), yet I made a haphazard decision. I remember getting the brochure of Benilde and ranking the degrees I wanted. I missed the one I am taking now. To be honest, I just took it because it's the only one with a flexible schedule. I just added the set designer idea to console me. I took it so I can tell people that I am not a good-for-nothing cum laude that has lost her wits by leaving med school in one of the country's most prestigious schools. After leaving, more than having a happy heart, I had a weary one. One afraid of judgment. I did not own up to my decision. I felt low about myself so I did not want anyone else to feel the same. Had I known that choosing this would still make them feel it, I would have just stopped caring.

Had I known that this needed to be licensed and have me work abroad, would I have chosen it? Does my answer matter now? Questioning and living in the mistakes of the past is no way to move forward. All I have is this and now. And all I can do is make the most out of it, believe that I am up to something great, get a business, and find what else I can do in my spare time. If I want to teach, go to the open university. If I want to work, find time. To be honest, I am pushing myself to the idea of 9 to 5 when I know that I am not meant for that. The stability is ensuring but what is that life?

It's almost June and I have to keep on keeping on.