Change

I might have mentioned this before but let me say it again. Due to my leaving in med school last school year, I have lost a huge amount of confidence and self-worth. I was in my lowest low and I had a difficult time to spring back to who I was. Until now, I cannot say I completely have. But here's the thing. I am tired. I am not the only one who has seen me doubt myself. I have two people in mind who have blatantly said that I have issues. I want to change that.

Part of leaving med school should have been owning the decision. For almost one whole year, I have been living in the shadow of what I am not anymore. Always having to explain myself as to what happened, why it happened, how it happened, and what will happen. You may think that having been asked those questions quite a lot would make me have a straight answer. Well, no. Everytime it was brought up, I gave myself a choice to relive the pain or lie. I never lied. As silly as it sounds, I found it better to bare my soul to strangers  who I do not know if they have interest in what is one of the biggest things in my life than to say that I am happy in where I am now. I have lost the meaning of happiness. Sure, I can laugh once in a while but the emptiness of who I really am and where I am going gets me everytime. Some of my friends seem that they are in their own path and I am happy for them. But I feel sorry for myself.

I don't have everything figured out at the moment. But I know in my heart that I should, and I will. Enough with self-doubts regarding everything outside my past. I need to believe in myself and what I can do no matter how great or simple it may be. Enough with worrying what others might be thinking. Be less serious but be more focused. Listen to criticisms and critiques, take what is constructive. Learn to accept and own compliments and stop saying it's nothing when I spent weeks doing it. Bring back the confidence. Because more than anything and anyone, it is I who must believe in myself most. I  may not be the best at one thing yet but I will never be best or at least good at it if I stray at the start. Just believe that I can and trust that the world will conspire to help me make things happen. I know who I am and who I am not. I know what I can and can't do. It's time to lessen the latter.

I have Him to guide me. I shall not fear.
Faith, courage, and hard work.