VLF9

Last July 2012, I was able to watch one of my theatre teachers perform in VLF8. VLF is an annual festival for first time writers or for plays that have never been played before. It was my first time to watch last year, too. I was moved with the shows that I watched and I distinctly remember Sir Vera announcing his e-mail to the audience just in case one of us wanted to submit for VLF9. I got my phone and saved his address in my notes.

Now, his address is no longer just in my phone's notes. It's now included in my Sent Folder. I never actually thought that I would be able to do what I just did. I submitted an entry for VLF9 as a playwright.

A month ago, I gave myself some time to think about ideas. I got my handy-dandy notebook and pour whatever thoughts I had there for around a week or two. School got in the way and I was not able to reread my notes or think of a solid story line. Early this week, my plate was full with, well, plates! I just got around into finishing all of them Tuesday afternoon. My mom and I had our date last Wednesday and we had our annual Visita Iglesia last Thursday. I spend my nights rehearsing for our recital.

Last Thursday night, after rehearsing, I said to myself that I would not submit this year. I even sang the line "Well, maybe next year" from Send In The Clowns. I thought that it was too short of a time to think and write. I was just stressing myself with the idea so I decided to kill the idea. Come Friday afternoon, I was faced between cleaning my computer files or giving writing another chance. For some reason, I had this itch to write because I thought that it was too big of a wait if I would let this pass this year. I got my handy-dandy notebook and tried outlining my story. It took me 6 hours to outline and around 9 more hours to write the play (not to mention around an hour more to read about how plays should be written, because I really didn't know much). I sent the script to my mom and some of my friends for review.

The morning after, I got good feedbacks. This maybe due to our relationships but as I said in my previous post, I will try to lessen my cynicism. I took the notes constructively, edited my script, and around an hour ago, I sent my very first one-play act.

It would be great if it would be included in the festival but as it is, I think having one script in my sleeves makes me happy enough! It feels surreal just having sent it! I wonder what kind of roller coaster ride I would have in summer if it would be picked! I know not a lot about stage script writing and I know much less about stage directing and all those other things! But hey, I am up for it!

Change

I might have mentioned this before but let me say it again. Due to my leaving in med school last school year, I have lost a huge amount of confidence and self-worth. I was in my lowest low and I had a difficult time to spring back to who I was. Until now, I cannot say I completely have. But here's the thing. I am tired. I am not the only one who has seen me doubt myself. I have two people in mind who have blatantly said that I have issues. I want to change that.

Part of leaving med school should have been owning the decision. For almost one whole year, I have been living in the shadow of what I am not anymore. Always having to explain myself as to what happened, why it happened, how it happened, and what will happen. You may think that having been asked those questions quite a lot would make me have a straight answer. Well, no. Everytime it was brought up, I gave myself a choice to relive the pain or lie. I never lied. As silly as it sounds, I found it better to bare my soul to strangers  who I do not know if they have interest in what is one of the biggest things in my life than to say that I am happy in where I am now. I have lost the meaning of happiness. Sure, I can laugh once in a while but the emptiness of who I really am and where I am going gets me everytime. Some of my friends seem that they are in their own path and I am happy for them. But I feel sorry for myself.

I don't have everything figured out at the moment. But I know in my heart that I should, and I will. Enough with self-doubts regarding everything outside my past. I need to believe in myself and what I can do no matter how great or simple it may be. Enough with worrying what others might be thinking. Be less serious but be more focused. Listen to criticisms and critiques, take what is constructive. Learn to accept and own compliments and stop saying it's nothing when I spent weeks doing it. Bring back the confidence. Because more than anything and anyone, it is I who must believe in myself most. I  may not be the best at one thing yet but I will never be best or at least good at it if I stray at the start. Just believe that I can and trust that the world will conspire to help me make things happen. I know who I am and who I am not. I know what I can and can't do. It's time to lessen the latter.

I have Him to guide me. I shall not fear.
Faith, courage, and hard work.

Hello.

I write a lot about my practice and rehearsals, I noticed. Oh well. Here is another one?

I just finished a 1-hr practice. I am kind of getting it but there's always room for improvement. The dry throat I get from my prescription meds is annoying but I try to cope.  I will try a different approach on my next practice. Must focus more on the interpretation, I guess.

We will have the Visita tomorrow morning. I hope it won't be too hot! I hope it wouldn't rain either. Hehe. Time to sleep!

College

I got this from UST's FB and I just have to say that it made me tear up a bit. The song was perfect and the video made me cherish and remember and appreciate and question my time in UST. I know all these is good for my song internalization but in reality, how will I really make the most out of Bio? I know I did not fill my college with extra curricular activities. I was more of the studious girl. But having said that though, and despite some problems in the institution or whatnot here and there, I loved my stay in UST. And I miss it a lot.

Where am I now?

Isn't it rich?

I noticed that I write a lot about my lessons here. I really find them fascinating or day-defining for some reasons. Here is a new one before I hit the sack!

We've been practicing for our recital this early summer and, so far, it's been quite exhausting but a lot of fun, nonetheless. Each of the students get to sing 3 songs: 2 ensembles for the start and end, and a solo piece. We are a lot this summer (or so my teacher said) that's why we only have one solo each. I couldn't complain. I would have died everyday if it were more than one. Haha! Anyway, I got Send In the Clowns. It's in the key of E (higher than in the play). It plays around my comfortable range but I do stumble once in a while.

I had perpetual problems on the bridge part. My voice obviously shifts from chest to head in that area so my teacher, after making me try a lot (like, for real, A LOT) of different approaches, suggested I do it in my high chest voice. With an open throat and enough air support, I was able to do a B above middle C. I wanted to do a happy dance right there but I reserved it for the house. I was all over the place during the first group rehearsal but I think it's safe to say that I was able to redeem myself in the second one. My throat closed once but it's nothing compared to my voice breaking two weeks ago. I really felt that I did well. I rarely do so that's a good thing.

This week's task is more challenging that I thought. We tackled interpretation. I had no problems making the story my own but it's a different ball game when someone else listens to me! I was told that I only get to send a bit of the message across. Though I have to agree because I focus on the notes and techniques far more than I should, it's such a big deal to not be able to communicate with the audience. I also thought that muscle memory kicks in everytime so I sound a little "mechanical". That or I am putting my walls up again because it took me a long while to get over my story and here I am wanting to relieve those moments again like it was never a big deal.

Well, that is what I did today (March 16/17--- I feel like Magellan in the international date line haha). I tried relieving it all. Yes, copious amount of tears was shed late this evening and I even thought of calling it a night already. However, I was determined that the emotion will help me. My nose got clogged at first but it wasn't much of a problem. I noticed that I sang easier today. No tension whatsoever. I do not know why exactly. Perhaps the vocal rest, the crying, the story, etc. I went through my usual routine then did some self-assessment.

My main problem a while ago was support. I found my voice shaky at some parts so I tried on always remembering to breathe. I cannot really tell if I got my message across this time. My head still has the message so I might confuse it. I will give it a day or two before listening again. But I think it needs more movement and flow.

I am slowly getting the smooth stretch shift from chest to head voice. I think I got the resonator already. All I have to do is let it all out without hesitation.

I cannot wait for Tuesday. Thank God I am improving! :)

This can't be happening!

I thought it would be easier for me to connect to the song because of my backstory. I was wrong. With the techniques and hesitations in my mind, the meaning of the song comes out softly! I tried searching for tips on how to, at least, sound with emotions. None. It really has to come from within and ignite like a firework (what?!) I do feel the song at some parts and I guess it shows how I do not connect to the whole. Anyway, when I have time to look back to my internalization, I would. Four second preparation at the start of the song is not enough to get me in the mood.

More work!!! Good thing I am still okay with listening and singing the song even though I've been listening and singing it everyday for 2 weeks! Haha. No practice tonight though. Rest!

Gosh, I really have to connect to that. I know I can do it. I just really have to make it show. Come on show! Ugh.

Frustrated

I am trying to keep my cool but I just feel awful. There are 3 things that need my special attention this week. For Freehand, I have to re-do my plate and do the one I missed last week. For MM1, we have our midterms. I am not very comfortable with the course because it has scattered topics in the book and the computations are kind of confusing. For music, I have to nail my song. I was all over the place last rehearsal and I think I disappointed my teacher a lot because I've been doing well (or at least I felt like I was) when we were just rehearsing alone.

The MM1 ppts and FH re-do plate are with my friend but I can't meet her today so I have to move it to tomorrow. My classes and my rehearsal sched will mix up later this week. I can foresee how bad this week will turn out and it sucks. It sucks a lot.

Okay, I know I am being such a Type 1 person now. I know there will be solutions to this. But for now, I just want to let it all out.

Breathe, Angela. Geez.